Heard Any Good Ones Lately?

Post your favorite jokes here, but please try to keep it family oriented!

Lonely Adam

Adam was Sitting in his garden and he called on God. "God, I'm lonely. Is there anything you can do to help me."

God said, "Well I can create someone that will cook for you, clean, love and respect you. Be there for you, Do everything you ask."


Adam wonders, "What will I have to do?"

God says, "It will cost you an arm and a leg."

Adam says, "What can I get for a rib?"

Locker Room

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: $90,000."

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

The Raffle
One day when Bubba and Billy Bob were at Wal-Mart, they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle.
They each bought five tickets at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize.

Billy Bob won 1st place - a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra long spaghetti.

Bubba won 6th prize - a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back at Wal-Mart. Bubba asked Billy Bob how he liked his prize, to which Billy Bob replied, "Great!, I love spaghetti!"

Billy Bob asked Bubba, "How 'bout you, how's the toilet brush?

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna switch back to paper."

Blonde Flight
A blonde was going to be flying to Los Angeles and when she boarded the plane sat in a first class seat.
As the flight attendant checked her ticket she told the blonde she would have to move because her ticket was for coach not first class.

The blonde responded saying "I am blonde and beautiful and I am flying in first class."

The attendant went and got her supervisor who told the blonde she had to move.

The blonde responded with "I am blonde and beautiful and I am flying in first class."

The supervisor went to get the captain who told the blonde she had to move.

The blonde told the captain "I am blonde and beautiful and I am flying in first class."

The captain leaned over and whispered something in the blondes ear.

She got up , picked up all her things and move to the back of the plane.

The attendants asked the captain what he had said to make her move.

He said "I told her first class wasn’t going to Los Angeles."